Understanding the Anxiety Spiral: When Your Mind Won't Stop Replaying
When a relationship ends, especially unexpectedly, our minds can get stuck in an exhausting loop of 'what-ifs' and 'if-onlys.' This week, singer Lily Allen released an album that captures this experience viscerally through a track called "Ruminating", but you don't need to be a musician to recognise that feeling of being trapped in your own thoughts.
As a therapist, I see clients every day who describe this same sensation: racing thoughts, physical tension, and a desperate need to understand 'why.' Today, let's talk about what's actually happening in your brain during these spirals and, most importantly, how to break free.
What Is Rumination?
Rumination is when your mind plays the same thoughts on repeat, like a broken record you can't turn off. Unlike helpful reflection, rumination:
Replays the past without resolution
Makes you feel worse, not better
Keeps you stuck rather than moving forward
After a relationship ends, it often sounds like: "How did I not see this coming?" or "What if I had said something different?" - the same questions, over and over, with no satisfying answers.
Why Your Brain Does This
Believe it or not, rumination is your brain's misguided attempt to protect you. When something painful happens, your mind thinks, "If I just analyse this enough, I'll find the answer that makes the pain stop."
The problem? Some situations don't have clean answers. And the more you replay these thoughts, the deeper the neural pathways become, literally creating grooves in your brain that make it easier to slip back into the spiral.
Breaking Free: 5 Techniques That Work
1. The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique When spiralling starts, name:
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
This forces your brain from abstract thoughts into concrete senses.
2. The "Worry Window" Set aside 15 minutes daily as designated "rumination time." When anxious thoughts arise outside this window, tell yourself: "I'll think about this during my worry window." Often, by then, the urgency has passed.
3. Physical Pattern Interrupts
Break mental patterns with physical action:
Stand up and stretch
Hold ice cubes
Take a cold shower
Go for a brief walk
4. The "Then What?" Technique
Follow your fear to its conclusion:
"They might never speak to me again"
"Then what?"
"I'll be alone"
"Then what?"
"I'll rebuild my social life"
Often, following the fear reveals it's survivable.
5. Externalise the Thoughts
Write them down
Voice record yourself
Talk to yourself in the mirror
Making thoughts external helps you observe rather than be consumed by them.
When to Seek Support
Consider therapy if:
Rumination interferes with daily life
You've been stuck for weeks
Physical symptoms are affecting your health
You're using substances to quiet your mind
You feel unable to use coping strategies alone
The Path Forward
Remember: rumination tricks you into thinking you're doing something productive, but it's actually keeping you stuck. Every time you interrupt a rumination cycle, you're literally rewiring your brain, making it easier to break free next time.
Whether you're processing a breakup, life transition, or any form of loss, getting stuck in mental loops is incredibly common. It doesn't mean you're broken; it means you're human, trying to make sense of something painful.
Healing isn't linear, and some days you'll spiral despite your best efforts. That's okay. Tomorrow is another opportunity to practice breaking free.
If you're struggling with rumination and anxiety spirals, you don't have to navigate this alone. Reach out, fill out the form below to schedule a consultation.